I feel it is a beautiful depiction of how a parent feels after losing a child – there are many ways to lose a child, death is but one of them.
My friend Mal Gaskell wrote a beautiful poem in reponse and I asked him if I could share his powerful, raw words.
“Carry on Sam. I hope it helps some one realise they don’t have to be strong they need to grieve, I think men have a raw deal. Trying to be strong while falling apart inside“.
It can be very hard for dads to share their emotions, I hope that Mal’s words reach out and offer comfort to other grieving fathers and families.
I Can Still Feel Her
I can still feel her, holding her cold, still, in my arms.
Even after thousands of hugs and cuddles have warmed me through.
She sits inside me.
So many times even now as I write the tears form.
Holding this precious beautiful red headed perfect baby.
Who never took a breath. But took my heart and soul to depths unknown before.
She often visits. Things go missing and reappear in the same place.
We always blame her, but not in an angry way, but a love so deep and unwavering.
I bless the fact she never felt hunger, pain, heard a cross word or an angry shout.
But was loved unconditionally by her mum and by me.
As I watched her grow, kicking her mums belly out into the world.
And the nights she kicked me in bed.
Her brother the same.
As his tiny hands and big eyes felt and watched in wonder for his sister to arrive.
He often still speaks of her.
His hurt still evident in his older eyes.
Our kids who have followed her, have learned of her and she is part of our family.
And yes you twats you have made me cry sat here watching words crawl out on a tiny screen.
But I would rather own and have those feelings just for the moments I held her.
But Christ it hurts and always will.
Time the Healer.
Fucked up on this one……………….
For further support for miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death, The Miscarriage Association, SANDS and Towards Tomorrow Together all provide support. From speaking to women and families locally, I have also had recommended the counselling services at The Beresford Centre in Newport and The Junction in Cardiff, both of whom I am told women feel have saved their lives following the death of their baby. Remember My Baby can help find an experienced photographer and Cherished Gowns provide beautiful clothing made from Wedding Dresses.
Samantha Gadsden walks with women on their life’s journeys. She is an experienced Doula, based close to Cardiff in South Wales, mother to 4 children and wife to Eddie, more information can be found on her facebook page, Samantha Gadsden Doula and her website, Caerphilly Doula. SOS Doula, Telephone and online support is always available.
If you are interested in writing a guest blog or sharing a life or birth story please feel free to contact her HERE.
“Your Journey, Your Body, Your Baby, Your Birth“